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hell fuckin yeah [DAY: Tuesday
TIME: 03:10 pm
DATE: August 24, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
got a job.

come visit me at sidestreets.

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whoo. [DAY: Saturday
TIME: 02:49 pm
DATE: August 14, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
i'm just gonna start updating, because no one reads this anymore and i can finally talk about them.

god. jasmine is such an asshole. i hate her.

i got my schedule today, though. and my life revolves around high school so i posted it in my aim profile. 5 cool points.

if the hurricane comes, it better be good. and it better drown every fucking kid in my neighborhood that jumps out in front of my car when i'm driving. and i guess the parents too.

going to matt's funeral tomorrow. that'll be weird.

still need a job...

::::   2 wanted to get away| or |get in, and let's LEAVE  ::::

because i was bored... [DAY: Friday
TIME: 05:47 pm
DATE: August 13, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
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ABOUT YOU
Your full name::Vanessa Marie Lin Ung
Age::17
Height::5'4... okay 3
Natural hair colour::um... i'm pretty sure it's dark brown
Eye colour::brown
Number of siblings::4
Glasses/contacts?::no, but if you're my optometrist... yes.
Piercings::indeed.
Tattoos::no.
Braces?::no.
FAVOURITE
Colour::silver
Band::couldn't say.
Song::dunno.
Stuffed animal::ferdinand (the frog)
Video game::sonic or sonic 2
TV show::shark week or ghost stories on discovery channel... because i'm down like that.
Movie::I just saw Under the Tuscan Sun which made me want to move to Italy, but my favorite would be Adaptation or Eternal Sunshine... Charlie Kaufman is hott shit.
Book::right now.... 'Howl'
Food::anything with CARBS... LOTS AND LOTS OF CARBS
Game on a cell phone::that's sad.
CD cover::i don't really remember.
Flower::sunflower or iris
Scent::food
Animal::pigeons
Comic book::ghostworld
Cereal::fruity pebbles
Website::yahoo!
Cartoon::daria, klone high
DO YOU
Play an instrument?::yeah, i guess.
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?::that's pretty pathetic.
Like to sing?::really badly... in cars with jasmine.
Have a job?::NO!!! damnit.
Have a cell phone?::yeah.
Like to play sports?::i suppose. if there's not too much running.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?::no.
Have a crush on someone?::not really, but it gets complicated.
Live somewhere NOT in the united states?::i wish. ITALY.
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?::sad, but true.
Have any special talents/skills?::lots of little stupid things.
Excercise daily?::i sometimes walk up and down the stairs when i'm hungry.
Like school?::not in the morning.
CAN YOU
Sing the alphabet backwards?::i sure can. that's actually one of my talents.
Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?::not on my VERY tip toes but yes.
Speak any other languages?::eh... i'm working on it.
Go a day without food?::i have... was it enjoyable? not so much.
Stay up for more than 24 hours?::42 which is THREE more hours than matt.
Read music, not just tabs?::piano music.
Roll your tongue?::i love rrrrrrrolling my tongue.
Eat a whole pizza?::medium. one time. never again.
HAVE YOU EVER
Snuck out of the house?::all the time.
Cried to get out of trouble?::when i was little.. doesn't work so much anymore.
Gotten lost in your city?::hahaha. funny you should say that....
Seen a shooting star?::probably not. i've seen a comet. hailies.
Been to any other countries besides the united states?::oui, si, and... ya mon.
Had a serious surgery?::a couple times.
Stolen something important to someone else?::i don't think so.
Solved a rubiks cube?::no, but i will... just you wait.
Gone out in public in your pajamas?::yeah, but i don't see why that's such a bad thing.
Cried over a girl?::death.
Cried over a boy?::death.
Kissed a random stranger?::they're not so random. more like... conveniently there when i'm drunk.
Hugged a random stranger?::sure.
Been in a fist fight?::unfortunately.
Been arrested?::not yet.
Done drugs?::do i LOOK like a pothead to you? geez.
Had alcohol?::NEVER in my LIFE.
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?::ew. i still don't see how that's possible. and have yet to see that happen.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?::my friends think it's amusing.
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?::hah. nope, although i say that now and probably will next year.
Swore at your parents?::yeah, but i dont' think they care anymore.
Been to warped tour?::for the past four years.
Kicked a guy where it hurts?::yeah, but they really over exaggerate it. try popping a baby out of your crotch.. then you can cry.
Been in love?::i wish.
Been close to love?::not really.
Been to a casino?::not legally.
Ran over an animal and killed it?::do kids count?
Broken a bone?::about 7 times.
Gotten stitches?::too many times.
Had a waterballoon fight in winter?::iceballoon? i'll pass.
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?::i've paid someone to do it.
Made homemade muffins?::out of a box.
Bitten someone?::like... in a sexual way?
Been to disneyland/disneyworld?::both. and it's really not that magical.
More than 5 times?::we had year passes to disneyland. shut up.
Been to niagra falls?::no, am i supposed to?
Burped in someones face?::more than i should.
Gotten the chicken pox?::i think so.
WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU
Brushed your teeth::this morning.
Went to the bathroom::a couple hours ago.
Saw a movie in theaters::yesterday.
Read a book::today.
Had a snow day::in the winter?
Had a party::at my house? two months ago?
Had a slumber party::same thing.
Made fun of someone::YOUR MOM.
Tripped in front of someone::i don't remember. probably recently.
Went to the grocery store::a couple days ago?
Got sick::a few weeks ago.
Cursed::13.7 minutes ago.
PICK ONE
Fruit/vegetables::vegetables.
Black/white::black.
Lights on/lights off::off. that's gross.
TV/movie::movie.
Car/truck::car
Body spray/lotion::lotion.. i guess?
Cash/check::cash. show me the money.
Pillows/blankets::i have to have both. HAVE TO.
Headache/stomach ache::headache.
Paint/charcoal::tough one.
Chinese food/mexican food::mexican... sorry gramma.
Summer/winter::summer.
Snow/rain::rain.
Fog/misty::misty.
Rock/rap::rock.
Meat/vegetarian::vegetarian.
Boy/girl::boy?
Chocolate/vanilla::vanilla.
Sprinkles/icing::confetti icing, damnit!! where the fuck did it go?! now you made me upset.
Cake/pie::cake.
French toast/french fries::french fries.
Strawberries/blueberries::strawberries.
Ocean/swimming pool::ocean. i have a phobia of public swimming pools.
Hugs/kisses::is he hot?
Cookies/muffins::cookies.
p33n/bewbz::okay. shut the fuck up.
Wallet/pocket::wallet.
Window/door::door, i guess?
Emo/goth::they both bring down my aura.
Pink/purple::purple.
Cat/dog::cat.
Long sleeve/short sleeve::short sleeve... unless it's cold. duh.
Pants/shorts::pants.
Winter break/spring break::spring break.
Spring/autumn::autumn.
Clouds/clear sky::clear sky.
Moon/mars::moon.
FRIENDSHIP
How many friends do you have?::4847198... actually i have no idea.
What are their names?::they're all named marco.
Do you have a best friend?::a couple.
Have you ever liked one of your friends?::all of the people i have liked were friends first.
Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?::no clue.
Have you ever lost a friend?::all too many.
Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?::haha. all i have to say is I AM NEVER GOING TO NEW JERSEY AGAIN. jasmine knows what i'm talking about.
Whats an inside joke between you and a friend?::see above... but you won't understand it.
Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?::in middle school.
Whats the nicest thing youve ever done for a friend?::not gone out with someone i REALLY REALLY liked. i'm still a little bitter.
Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?::made me laugh.
Do you miss any of your old friends?::of course.
What friend have you known the longest?::matt and diana.
Do you regret anything youve done to a friend?::forget regret.
If so, what is it?::nosey.
How often do you spend time with your friends?::too often.
Do any of your friends drive?::almost all of them do.
Has a friend of yours ever died?::too many. way too many.
Whats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?::no comment.
What do you think your friends think of you?::i don't think i want to know.
LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP
Have you ever been in love?::not yet.
If you have, with who?::-
Are you single?::i am.
Are you in a relationship?::obviously not.
If so, for how long?::blah.
Do you believe there is someone for everyone?::i guess. but i don't believe in fate or destiny.
What is your idea of the best date?::laughing a lot.
What was your first kiss like?::kind of awkward.
How old were you when you got your first kiss?::pretty young.
Do you think love is a load of shit?::i used to. it's okay, now.
Whats the best experiance youve ever had with the opposite sex?::that's between me and him.
If you are single, have you had any boyfriends/girlfriends before?::of course.
Have you ever been dumped?::nope.
Have you ever dumped someone?::yeah.
Whats the most sexual thing youve done with the opposite sex?::heh.
WORD ASSOCIATION
Slippers::stinky
Hat::balding
Hard::on
Free::loader
Space::cadet
Taste::food
Good charlotte::freshman-sophomore summer
Red::blood
Deep::throat... i mean...
Heart::broken
Cord::phone
Cheese::rat
Rain::travis... lol.
Work::i need a job, damnit.
Pedal::lance armstrong.
Head::face.
Bed::sex.
Fluff::marshmallow.
Hardcore::PUNX
Race::too much running.
Knife::backstabber
Jump::third eye blind
I....
am::quiet
want::a fucking job
need::money
crave::men
love::my friends
hate::kelly
did::it in the car.
feel::sick.
miss::california
am annoyed by::bubbly, giggly girls.
would rather::knaw my arm off than listen to them.
am tired of::'friends' pretending to like me.
will always::stay in touch with my REAL friends.
SILLY STUFF
What is your favourite genre of music?::anything that makes me happy.. or sad depending on my mood.
What time is it now?::5:35
What day is it?::that's a good question... friday? okay. i cheated.
Whens the last time you called someone?::a couple hours ago.
How much money do you have right now?::$2.50 cents.
Are you hungry?::very.
Whatcha doin?::what doyou think i'm doing.
Do you like parades?::i like to rain on them... actually i march in them. and twirl a rifle.
Do you like the moon?:: yeah. it's pretty.
What are you going to do when youre done with this?::put it in my live journal.
Isnt cup a funny word when you repeat it over and over?::no, but potato is.
If you could have any magical power what would it be?::be invisible.
Have you ever had a picnic?::kind of.
Did you ever have one of those skip-its when you were young?::YES. a blue one and a pink one.
What about sock em boppers?::no. that was too violent.
Are you wearing any socks right now?::nope.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
funny?::no, but i sure try real hard.
pretty?::sure.
sarcastic?::not at all.
lazy?::alll the time.
hyper?::not really.
friendly?::yes, but shy.
evil?::i can be... especially in risk.
smart?::i would like to think so.
strong?::not really.
talented?::eh.
dorky?::isn't everyone a little.
ASSOCIATE THESE WORDS WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW (or dont know)
high::evan.
skip::kevin.
dance::chelsea.
lonely::gramma.
pen::no clue. well. i guess blair since i stole hers.
flower::mom.
window::uh.
psycho::sean.
brain freeze::SEAN. lol.
orange::ashley reid.
sassy::jazzy. lol.
jelly::uh...
FOR OR AGAINST
suicide::against, damnit.
love::for.
drunk drivers::against... but it happens once in a while.
airplanes::for... obviously. who is against airplanes?
war::AGAINST.
canada::for, i SUPPOSE.
united states::both.
rock music::for.
gay marriage::FOR FOR FOR FOR FOR.
school::middle school - against. everything else - for
surveys::i guess i'm gonna have to say for.
parents::for... what the hell? yeah, let's get rid of parents. who needs them...
cars::for. okay, this is getting retarded.
killing::against.
britney spears::against.
coffee::for and against if you are addicted like i was.
pants::for... or against if you are hot.
WOULD YOU EVER
Sky dive?::YES.
Play strip poker?::i guess.
Run away?::no. i'd tell them first.
Curse at a teacher?::maybe.
Not take a shower for a week?::no, that's pretty rancid.
Ask someone out?::no.
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?::i probably have.
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?::YES.
Go scuba diving?::YES.
Write a book?::HELL YES.
Become a rockstar?::yeah, that'd be cool.
Have casual sex?::no.
LAST QUESTIONS
What shampoo do you use?::herbal essences.
Whens the last time you did something sexual with the opposite sex?::not telling. and i'm sticking my tongue out right now.
What kind of computer do you have?::iMac
What grade are you in?::12
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?::no, but i've been hit by those mother fuckers.
Or just make out?::you know my dirty secrets.
How many posters do you have in your room?::no clue.
How many cds do you have?::a lot.
What time is it now?::5:45

::::    or |get in, and let's LEAVE  ::::

hypocracy [DAY: Tuesday
TIME: 10:20 pm
DATE: July 27, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
i don't hate christians.
i don't hate jews.
i don't hate islams.
i don't hate hindus.
i don't hate buddhists.
i don't hate greeks, or native americans, or pagans, or wiccans, or spiritualists.

i hate religion because religion brings hate.

it's hypocritical, but it's the only thing that makes sense in our ever-striving contradiction we call life.

no matter what you believe in, there will always be something to contradict it, and there's always someone to prove it so. there is no universal religion or faith or a perfect belief, even if it involves peace because we don't know where the fuck we came from, and we are constantly at a state of trying to prove it, both scientifically and religiously. but the smarter religions see the err in humans, and incorporate it into their religion to try and make us regret our 'mistakes' or 'sins' or 'bad karma' and they use that fear as an agent into converting us into believing machines. how do we know it exists? because it is written in scriptures? testaments? told to us by our grandfathers? we know nothing for sure, but what we see, and even then our eye deceives us, so let's try not to attempt to prove something that can never be 100% proven, but rather focus on living now.

for those who can understand that, i don't expect you to agree with me, and for those of you who don't, i don't expect you to like me. but you can say what you want, because i probably contradicted myself, too... but isn't that a manifested destiny?

::::   1 wanted to get away| or |get in, and let's LEAVE  ::::

[DAY: Saturday
TIME: 12:05 pm
DATE: July 10, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
done.

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life is waiting for you [DAY: Monday
TIME: 11:14 am
DATE: July 05, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
i just went to another graduation party this weekend. it's weird looking at everyone and knowing that i won't see half of these people again. And in school you spend over a decade growing up in a system that tries to teach you things, and you make friends there (hopefully), and once you're done, they all leave. But school never taught you how to live on your own, or how to say good bye.

I still have a year, but it's only a year. three hundred and sixty five days left to spend with people i've grown attatched to, in a state i've grown to hate.

but on a non-sappy note, i had an interesting fourth of july. most of it was in baltimore. either waiting on the cement on the edge of the harbor, waiting in line, or waiting in traffic. but we had fun nonetheless. i would do it again. but with a blanket, umbrella, and ONE car.

i keep having these dreams of getting mugged. i wonder...

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insomnia [DAY: Thursday
TIME: 11:19 pm
DATE: July 01, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
not sleeping a goddamn wink for a couple days really allotted me time to think. and i have come to the conclusion that pondering for excessive amounts of time fucks you up. so don't think about life. because you'll realize how retarded life really is. but maybe you just think that because you have nothing better to do with but think about things like that. so if you have a lot of spare time on your hands. read a book. cook some food. watch a good movie. someone... please throw a rock through my window and hit me in the head. i need some sleep.

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you'll never have a friend like me [DAY: Monday
TIME: 10:42 am
DATE: June 28, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
doesn't it feel good when...Collapse )

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semi-charmed [DAY: Saturday
TIME: 12:38 pm
DATE: June 26, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
[ mood | amused ]

yesterday was, if i was underestimating, an interesting day. in fact, the past two days have been crazy.

when linda came and visited me, we didn't get to do much because i had a softball tournament sunday, and that was basically the only full day she got to spend with me. i felt a little bad, so i promised to come visit her. then she said that she was going to go to six flags.

so i thought it would be a good idea to with her and her friends. we were debating whether to go to six flags america or six flags great adventure (in new jersey). i, of course, wanted to go to the closer one because it was cheaper, and it didn't hurt that it was closer. she was fixed on going to six flags great adventure so she convinced me to go down there, and we actually got a pretty good deal from a coke can (buy one ticket, get one free).

so, sitting in the middle of centennial lake in a paddle boat (don't ask), we made plans to go to six flags new jersey and i would take jasmine along with me. as of then, i thought the plan was to meet at linda's house, which was about an hour and a half away, adn then they woudl drive us down to new jersey;, we'd get back, spend the night at her house, and then leave the next morning.

the night before, i called her house and asked for her house address. then she told me it woudl be easier if we just drove to new jersey... two and half hours away. i didn't really care that much, so i agreed. so she told us that she would be there around 10-11 ish.

we woke up at five in the morning to get ready, since it would take us a while. i picked up jasmine around seven. then we went to get gas. then we went to the bank, and finally lynna's house so i could drop off the tape. then we headed out on our way around 8 or so.

the drive there was alright. a bit long and exhausting, but it was kind of fun... except paying the $9 tolls to get there. then when we DO get there... it's a ten dollar parking fee. at that point, i didn't care, either, because i just wanted to get in the park. so i get there, and linda calls me right before we enter the park and tells me that she just left her house. hm.

oh well, jasmine and i had fun anyway. then we finally met up (sort of) on the superman ride a couple hours later. but they were ahead of us in line and we didn't feel like cutting in front of all those people. so we waited like about two or threee hours to get on the ride... and it was pretty good. we told them to wait for us after the ride... and then when we got off, they left.

she called me later and told me that they were going to some other ride. so me and jasmine did our own thing again. and then they call us later and tell us to meet up with them. and then we go to around where we are supposed to meet, we don't see them, and then get something to eat. then they tell us that they are waiting in some line of a ride we already rode.. so we are just like.. well.. we'll ride a different ride and them eet up after that. so then she calls me back a little later and ... well basically she says that her friends are walking towards another ride all the way across the park and blah blah blah. and by this time i'm a little pissed because she dragged my ass three horus away and now she won't even meet up with me. so i hung up and we went off again on our own. we were exhausted, and i was alittle sick, so we decided to leave. and thne linda calls me when we are leaving, and tells me how sorry she is and blah blah blah. and i'm just like 'whatever' and i didn't feel like spending the night at her house so we just drove home.

but don't worry. yesterday was a lot better.

there was a young democratics of howard county meeting at this cantina/grill/bar called la palapa. that was actually not bad. i met this kind of cute guy that goes to umbc named mike. yeah.

and then they had a raffle for a free movie pass (to see fahrenheit 9/11)... and i won! i have never won anything in my life.. and just by coincidence jasmine, jackie, and i were going to see the movie right after the thing. so yeah. i met a lot of cool people there, and then we left. after that we went ot the movies to buy the tickets.. and they sold out!! all of their showing but the 12:40 one. i was kind of pissed. but whatever. so we went to muvico.. andthey weren't even playing it. ugh.

after that, we met up wtih blake, lynna, and blair at the bowling alley. we watch the little kids play dance dance revolutions adn then jasmine and i tried to.. but failed... really badly. and then some 14 year old kept on hitting on us and he tricked me... but i don't feel like typing it all out.

so then we left (right after he tricked me) and went ot blair's house. we chilled there, ate food, and then jackie picked me up to go to one of her co-worker's birthday party. okay... THE most random party ever. i saw people i haven't seen in YEARS. and i saw some people i saw at adam and paul's parties. and i saw one guy who gave me his nubmer a long time ago at subway. hm. yeah. so stuff happened and then we went home cause jackie had to be back by one.

that's the extent of my two days.

hm. yeah.

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please. [DAY: Wednesday
TIME: 07:09 pm
DATE: June 23, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
what the fuck, matt.

14 years...

and you still think i don't listen to you.

where the hell are you?

pick up your fucking phone.

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still humid [DAY: Friday
TIME: 10:18 am
DATE: June 18, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
[ mood | anxious ]

LINDA'S COMING TOMORROW!!

... and i might have a job!

... with a bunch of prissy bitches.

.... but it's still a job!

.... but still with a bunch of prissy bitches.

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of course i'm studying for finals.... [DAY: Tuesday
TIME: 05:54 pm
DATE: June 15, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
i've noticed that i've been hanging out with jasmine a lot recently. it's funny because it doesn't really feel like we hang out every day because well... we haven't tried to kill eachother yet. but whatever. we are just two cool people.

... get the picture? [face]

i hung out with the old rifle crew the other day. we watched thirteen year olds play dance dance revolutions at brunswick. i was thinking about it... and you could probably lose a lot of weight off of that thing if you play it enough. then we went to wendy's and all like... seven (?) of us managed to fit in angie's trunk. how, you say? well... i guess you had to be there to find out.

i got the answers to my chem final, so all i really have to study for is french. fuck madame clem. oh well. my last time in french class EVER.

we are having a luau at kevin's thursday night cause i'm leaving friday. come... if you think you can handle the pain. hm. i don't know?

i'm a little weird right now, and i'm blaming it on the humidity.

OH YEAH. i got a hair cut and dyed my hair.

well... it's shorter.. and... BROWN. yes, because i need a job. anyone know where i can work?

i seem to have noticed that i've had a shorter temper. i think i'm going to also blame that on the humidity.

k well i'm out. later.

::::   3 wanted to get away| or |get in, and let's LEAVE  ::::

hm. [DAY: Monday
TIME: 09:39 pm
DATE: June 07, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
so i stayed home... for legitimate reasons this time. i pretty much fucked up my knee yesterday. the good news is our team won howard county championships.

today consisted of watching rocky, road to perdition, and the laramie project.

after school jasmine came and picked me up and we went to burger king (mind you my knee is 'better'.. but really i needed to get out of the house). so i order their veggie burger, which is $2.09 and jasmine orders a large fry which is like almost two dollars. and i give her $2.25 for the vb and then when she goes to get her money.. she realizes it's in her other pants.

dumb. ass.

so then we frantically search her car for spare change because the total was three something. i told jasmine to ask the car behind us for a dollar... and unbeknownst she actually does! and the guy was nice enough to give us a dollar. so we think we are in the clear, and when we go up to the window... we find out it's $3.82. aahhhh. we had $3.25. so we, once again, search the car frantically (even though we know nothing is there...) but we manage to scrap up 6 cents.. but by that time the lady was all pissed off and let us have our fucking food. haha. so from then on we decided that we are going to give back to the community... eventually... maybe.

but i really need to stop staying home from school. i'm such a kevin.

alright, kids.

that's all.

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bipolar like the maryland weather [DAY: Sunday
TIME: 06:50 pm
DATE: June 06, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
[ mood | pensive ]

so i think everything is kind of worked out between everyone. it was a sort of silent settlement, but there's no hatred or angst... so that's good, right?


this is the first weekend i didn't do a goddamn thing. good or bad? not sure.


books like this need to be read:


I'm thinking about getting out. Getting out of town, out to a place you can't see from my window. Where people don't recognize your face or the mistakes you've made. Where you can start out clean. I'm thinking about buying a 79 camero and driving towards the sun as it falls into the horizon. And who knows where I'll stop, or what I do when I get there.

...It's not about that. It's about getting out of here. That's the only thing that matters.

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silent all these years. [DAY: Saturday
TIME: 04:10 pm
DATE: June 05, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
[ mood | guilty ]

People cry. And though it's not something that I do too often, I have to respect that it comes from emotion. Emotion is something that I hate, mostly because it causes drama. Though I may hate it, and choose not to express it, others do.

The friends that I made in Maryland have been nothing but genuine and blameless. Each of them had something that I found intriguing or fun. So friendships were made, but I didn't really know what I was getting into.

There's a place for everyone. I keep telling people this everyday, because I can't stop thinking about it. With college coming up, my main goal is to get out of here and move to California. Most people think it's because I want to become a film star, and to be with my other friends, and to live in a cooler place. While all of those remain true, it's also because I can't stay here. I can't stay here because I belong in a place with corruption, liars, and fast-paced life.

I know all of these are qualities I see in myself, and no, I'm not in denial of it anymore. I know I'm a bad friend, I use people, I lie to people, and I just end up hurting people and vulture them until nothing is left. Friends are supposed to support one another, and basically avoid everything that I do to the friends I have or had.

It didn't really sink in until recently when people start writing in journals such as these. I would have never known how much I hurt people and how superficial every single one of my friendships are.

I'm always saying I don't have any real friends. That I don't talk about my feelings to people. I never have, and probably never will. I hate it, but it's the way I am, and I can't help it.

One thing I don't want people to misunderstand about me, is that I do not change myself to supposedly 'be cooler or fit in'. I am who I was born to be, and if that's a manipulative, scheming bitch, then that is what I am and what I always will be. I do change a lot, but it's because I am unsatisfied with myself, as everyone else is, and I need change. Something that is hard to do without hurting or confusing your friends. I think that is part of the reason I am such a bad one.

I'm sorry to everyone I hurt, and I'll make sure it won't happen again. I don't intentionally mean to hurt you, and it's not because you are bad people it's because I am. A lot of my 'friends' are going through tough times right now, and I haven't done anything to help them.

Sorry again, and it was fun (probably not for you)... when I was completely oblivious to what I have become.

So much for my fun summer. But I guess I'll be looking forward to California. Only one and half months away.

::::   5 wanted to get away| or |get in, and let's LEAVE  ::::

hah. [DAY: Monday
TIME: 08:25 pm
DATE: May 31, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
life is so ironic.

you'll know what it means if you are supposed to know what it means.




but anyway. this weekend was fun up until today. to make matters are work worse (my boss sold the store and we are all getting fired.. and he has yet to tell me to my FACE)... three people called out sick today, so i got stuck there by myself.

this lady tried to bitch me out because i was taking so long... but i didn't really give a shit because i was the only one there and taking my fucking time . and then in the middle of lunchtime rush hour some guy tries to come in and order 16 fucking subs. i don't remember exactly what i said.. but it involved the word fuck and resulted in him storming out of the subway --

did i care, you ask?

not at all.

but afterwards i went home and watched sexy edward norton in american history x... which i bought at soundgarden yesterday for $10.


hm.

i was thinking (like i occassionally do), and it feels like my life is so simple and shallow now. not shallow as in superficial, but rather lack of profundity. i am having a lot more fun than i was last year, but i lost, i guess, a quality that i had before. the ability to really talk to someone and have meaningful conversations with them. that was basically all i did sophomore year, and i guess i didn't mind at the time, but it feels so awkward trying to talk to anyone now. i mean, i never really opened up to anyone last year, but at least i could tolerate listening to people and them opening up to me. now i just avoid it altogether. i couldn't tell you whether that's a good thing, or not.

on the otherhand, like previously mentioned, i am basically drama-free... with your occasional bug in the windshield. fucking cicadas. i've been hanging out with people i used to hang out with a long time ago. it's funny because we are all different... and even more funny because they are all caught up in a whole bunch of drama that i eluded myself to.

no offense to any of them..but it gets really annoying after a while. blah blah blah what if so-and-so starts rumors about me getting drunk? blah blah blah don't tell anyone about this... i don't want a bad reputation. who the fuck cares!!

it is also really annoying when you are sober and everyone is really drunk and reallly really obnoxiously talkative and you have to drive them all around in one car. but i guess i asked for it.

oh well.

wow i wrote a lot.

::::   3 wanted to get away| or |get in, and let's LEAVE  ::::

all work and little pay. [DAY: Saturday
TIME: 05:10 pm
DATE: May 29, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
so i'm definitely getting fired.



am i upset?



no, not really.

::::   2 wanted to get away| or |get in, and let's LEAVE  ::::

don't underestimate me. [DAY: Thursday
TIME: 09:30 pm
DATE: May 27, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
[ mood | accomplished ]

i don't ever want to hate myself.







it's not self-righteousness... it's self confidence.






and if you don't like the way i carry myself... you can take a stick, shove it up your ass, and sit on it.







i wouldn't recommend doing that, though. just swallow your pride and wave goodbye.







there are worse things to regret tomorrow.







and as for tomorrow, you can call me MRS. SENIOR.

::::   4 wanted to get away| or |get in, and let's LEAVE  ::::

yeah, i'm a jackass. [DAY: Wednesday
TIME: 10:33 pm
DATE: May 26, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
edit:

my bad.

she wasn't talking about me.

:)

but anyway... it still felt kinda cool to say it.

::::   4 wanted to get away| or |get in, and let's LEAVE  ::::

antipathetic, antagonistic, and artistic [DAY: Sunday
TIME: 10:20 pm
DATE: May 23, 2004
AUTHOR: Vanessa ]
[ mood | indifferent ]

i'm sitting in the middle of a high school party at some girls house i don't even know,
nor does the person i went with... but it was somewhere to go.
and drunken people are stumbling over themselves, looking like asses
strangers hug me who didn't care to talk to me in any of my classes.
meanwhile, some hostile girl is making a commotion.
her cupidity and stupidity draws everyone's attention.
all i can do is stare straight and yawn.
all of the alcohol has been long since gone.
and so was everyone else, stumbling and strewing,
making out, messing around, and screwing.
and out of all of them there, i was the only one,
who couldn't really see how this could be fun.
so in my ennui
i made an inquiry
i had just one little question
was it me
or could it possibly be...
them.

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