i can't afford gas (onthecurb) wrote,
i can't afford gas
onthecurb

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silent all these years.

People cry. And though it's not something that I do too often, I have to respect that it comes from emotion. Emotion is something that I hate, mostly because it causes drama. Though I may hate it, and choose not to express it, others do.

The friends that I made in Maryland have been nothing but genuine and blameless. Each of them had something that I found intriguing or fun. So friendships were made, but I didn't really know what I was getting into.

There's a place for everyone. I keep telling people this everyday, because I can't stop thinking about it. With college coming up, my main goal is to get out of here and move to California. Most people think it's because I want to become a film star, and to be with my other friends, and to live in a cooler place. While all of those remain true, it's also because I can't stay here. I can't stay here because I belong in a place with corruption, liars, and fast-paced life.

I know all of these are qualities I see in myself, and no, I'm not in denial of it anymore. I know I'm a bad friend, I use people, I lie to people, and I just end up hurting people and vulture them until nothing is left. Friends are supposed to support one another, and basically avoid everything that I do to the friends I have or had.

It didn't really sink in until recently when people start writing in journals such as these. I would have never known how much I hurt people and how superficial every single one of my friendships are.

I'm always saying I don't have any real friends. That I don't talk about my feelings to people. I never have, and probably never will. I hate it, but it's the way I am, and I can't help it.

One thing I don't want people to misunderstand about me, is that I do not change myself to supposedly 'be cooler or fit in'. I am who I was born to be, and if that's a manipulative, scheming bitch, then that is what I am and what I always will be. I do change a lot, but it's because I am unsatisfied with myself, as everyone else is, and I need change. Something that is hard to do without hurting or confusing your friends. I think that is part of the reason I am such a bad one.

I'm sorry to everyone I hurt, and I'll make sure it won't happen again. I don't intentionally mean to hurt you, and it's not because you are bad people it's because I am. A lot of my 'friends' are going through tough times right now, and I haven't done anything to help them.

Sorry again, and it was fun (probably not for you)... when I was completely oblivious to what I have become.

So much for my fun summer. But I guess I'll be looking forward to California. Only one and half months away.
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